WASHINGTON, D.C. – Department of Defense officials assured Eric Trump that a natural geologic shift of the magnetic North Pole would not jeopardize Santa Claus, his toy workshop, or Trump’
HAJIN, Syria – In the last 6 years, ISIS leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi has called for jihad, death to westerners, and martyrdom, but al-Baghdadi now faces his most ambition request so
BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Deployed soldiers found the preserved remains of a prehistoric staff officer frozen in a remote Conex box on Bagram Airfield, noting that the discovery may revolutionize the budding
Winter can be full of holiday parties, lazy snow days on the couch, and a few too many glasses of eggnog. Don’t get too comfortable, though, because spring is
NORFOLK, Va. -- A vocational warfighter who completed some mandatory training is ready to shoulder the burden of defending the American people, sources confirmed today. Boatswain’s Mate First Class
Dear Signature Block, I love my boyfriend, but there’s one thing I don’t love about him: his chain smoking. When we met, he’d occasionally have a cigarette
MUSHROOM KINGDOM – King Bowser plans to withdraw his airship fleet from World 7 after plumbers Mario and Luigi delivered the koopa king numerous setbacks, sources confirmed today. “We’ve won
FORT RUCKER, Ala. — U.S. Army Aviation Medical Command has elected to include “basically 6 feet” as a height option on the AH-64 Apache flight physical in a move heralded
WASHINGTON – The Pentagon released today the official lineup of planned U.S. wars through the year 2030. Policymakers state that the primary goal of the project, known as the ‘Murican
WEST POINT, N.Y. – The United States Military Academy at West Point announced today that all academy sports teams, previously known as the “Black Knights,” are re-named the “Black Mold”
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marines from 1st Battalion 7th Marine Regiment are determined not to have any incidents this weekend after their battalion commander urged them to “do the right thing”
DES MOINES — Despite a class-action lawsuit victory for combat veterans against 3M for selling earplugs they knew did not work, local judge Michael Lois will not hear the case of
WASHINGTON – Pentagon leaders started a swear jar to defray potential losses after President Donald Trump declared a national emergency to fund parts of a wall on the U.S. border
AL HAWL, Syria – Nour Muhammad, who made headlines when she left America to marry an ISIS fighter, arrived in Al Hawl today after cleaning out her husband’s bank account
DUNN, N.C. — Moments after setting fire to a statue of World War II veteran Maj. Gen. William C. Lee, which he mistook for a statue of Confederate Gen. Robert
Sometimes things in life are the same, and other times things are different. One thing that is the same for me everywhere is wacking it. On a train or in
GREENBELT, Md — With claims that sound suspiciously similar to a recent incident at a Home Depot in Kansas, jailed Coast Guard Lt. Christopher Hasson now claims “plotting domestic terrorism” is
FORT JACKSON, SC — The U.S. Army marked the opening of the Klobuchar Center of Excellence today with a ribbon-cutting ceremony at Fort Jackson’s Drill Sergeant School. The facility,
Due to a variety of policy changes, the U.S. military is witnessing a drastic rise in the number of adult male dependents. While conducting studies about how to best
ARCTIC SEA — The Coast Guard icebreaker USCGC Polar Star achieved a world first by drawing a sea penis north of the Arctic Circle, sources confirmed today. “This thing was huge.
HANOI, Vietnam —President Donald Trump had a great time on his trip to Vietnam, and is confused as to why former Sen. John McCain had always made the country seem
FORT RUCKER, Ala. — The U.S. Army will honor Elizabeth Warren and her Native American ancestry with the latest addition to its helicopter fleet, the AH-68 Warren, sources confirmed today.
PENTAGON – "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the controversial policy that formally prohibited military members from openly discussing their sexual orientation, will now block any talk
PHOENIX, Ariz. – Overcome by congressional inquiries, bad press, and the smell of decaying bodies in its waiting rooms, the Veterans Health Administration released a statement today telling veterans to use
Fort Bragg, N.C. — An Army major met a disastrous end when he was forced to attend morning PT formation for the first time in seven years, sources confirmed today.
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