WASHINGTON — The Pentagon says that soldiers are raving about the military’s ongoing conversion of toxic burn pits into flavored vape pits, sources confirmed today.
“I’m proud to say we’ve replaced unhealthy fumes with tropical aromas,” boasted Dr. Steve Ferrara, acting assistant secretary of defense for health affairs, exhaling a custard-flavored cloud. “Our brave soldiers have been happily enjoying our vape pits in flavors such as crème brûlée, fruity pebble, and piña colada.”
Burn pits have plagued the military for decades, reaching a peak during the Iraq War. Many veterans would still be fighting to prove exposure and receive care if not for the PACT Act. But the Department of Defense has pledged to address the very burn pits that inspired the law — by replacing them with environmentally questionable vape pits, capable of producing “phat clouds,” according to junior enlisted personnel.
“It’s some of the best fucking stuff I’ve ever smoked,” raved Senior Airmen Anton Marc. “After a long day of swabbing the airfield, in the rain, nothing relaxes me more than taking a rip from the vape pit. Sure, there are times when I wake up coughing blood, but it’s all paid for by the morale fund!”
Defense officials expect a morale boost across the active-duty force.
“We anticipate a 300% increase in morale and a 40% rise in vaping-related lung collapses,” said one DoD official while standing beside a tent labeled ‘JUULCONEX.’
But not everyone is on board with this so-called solution. Jon Stewart, a prominent advocate for veterans' health and key player in the passage of the PACT Act, expressed frustration.
“We... god damn it... we JUST started to correct this issue. When we worked with the VA to fix the issue, I did not imagine an Agent Orange-filled hookah lounge.”
When surveyed, junior enlisted personnel overwhelmingly supported the vape pits, requesting additional flavors such as pink lemonade and blueberry jam, rather than removing them.
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