The following is an Op-Ed from the most important manual in the US Army.

Hey, it’s me. The most important manual in the entire DoD and quite possibly the world. You know who I am. 

You're coming to me if you need to break track on an M1 Abrams. Do you need to know the headspace and timing of the Mk19 Automatic Grenade Launcher? Page 864. Are you looking for the correct ignition timing on a 1955 Dodge M43 with a 327 cubic engine and a 4-barrel carburetor? Well… you get the idea. 

You could almost say I have it all, but you can’t. Because there’s one thing I DON’T have: Respect. For far too long, my pages have been used in ways of questionable propriety, and that’s putting it generously. Office missing a doorstop? Oh sure, someone just jams a copy of ME under the door. And if a 17-year-old private needs a little help to see over the dashboard of the LMTV, he freakin’ sits on me. 

And don’t you dare even mention that field problem where the whole Battalion had no TP for a week. [Shudders in Helvetica] 

Frankly, I’ve had enough. So that’s why this page was maliciously left blank.

We all knew this was coming. You’ve complained for years that I was “too heavy” or that “we can’t Ctrl-F the hard copy.”

You can’t control Ctrl+F me? Well, Ctrl+F you, pal. 

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