Stephen Miller calls ICE on commissary baggers for asking him to tip

WASHINGTON — White House advisor Stephen Miller reportedly called Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) on commissary baggers after being asked for a tip, witnesses confirmed Monday.

“He was just bragging about base privileges — tax-free groceries, forced neighborly smiles, that kind of thing,” said commissary manager John Willingstone. “But then a bagger asked for a dollar, and he lost his mind.”

Willingstone added: “He screamed that tipping was socialism and threw a can of creamed corn at the nearest enlisted kid.”

Security footage shows Miller berating a group of elderly Filipino baggers after they loaded his trunk with groceries. Minutes later, a black SUV screeched up to the curb and armed ICE agents stormed the building, zip-tying anyone holding plastic bags or wearing boots. Meanwhile, a second group of ICE agents fast-roped from a hovering Black Hawk and flash-banged the produce section.

“They were all Filipino, and if they were working for tips they didn’t have real jobs,” Miller said when asked for comment. “They are suspected members of this mafia I keep hearing about. We need to get them out of the country. Yes, it is unfortunate that two 60-year-old women tried to resist arrest, but our agents had no choice but to shoot them in the back more than a dozen times.”

Multiple Hispanic, Asian, Black, and Native American service members inside the commissary were also detained “just in case," Miller said, denying any racial motivations while claiming that questions about his actions were antisemitic.

“With these people gone, imagine the wait times at sick call, or the traffic at the gates in the morning. The wait times will be just as long for no reason...” said Miller stopping his speech and staring straight ahead for several seconds.

Base medical staff say Miller may be experiencing the long-term effects of a circumcision-related head injury, though no one can confirm who performed the operation or why it was done with gardening shears.

Miller was last seen at a base housing key party, reportedly seated in the cuck chair.

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