AUSTIN, Texas — Penetrating Lead, a T-shirt company catering to the vetbro community, has unveiled a new line of “Shall Be Infringed” shirts, sources confirmed today.
The new shirts, which retail for $24.99 plus shipping, handling, and a quiet erosion of principles, feature illustrations of men kneeling and presenting their firearms beneath the phrase “Shall Be Infringed.” The apparel marks a departure from Penetrating Lead’s standard designs, which typically include no fewer than 37 American flags, rattlesnakes, or slogans such as “COMMUNISM IS FOR PUSSIES” emblazoned across the back. Other popular designs read “I didn’t go to Harvard, I went to IRAQ,” as if there were any doubt the wearer didn't go to Harvard.
“It’s important we stay current,” said Penetrating Lead CEO Jake “Pounder” Ponder. “Since our customers are true free thinking Americans — independent men whose political opinions are updated daily based on whatever the president just said.”
Other newly released shirts include such phrases as, “Please take it, daddy,” “Kick in my door, kidnap my family,” and “Shoot here, masked officer,” each printed over a regulation-size bullseye.
Many customers expressed excitement about the new line.
“I used to support the Second Amendment for white people, and, you know, the good ones,” said Herbert “Pussy Magnet” Johnson. “But now that the federal government — a trustworthy and never-abusive organization — says otherwise, I’m okay with that.”
“I’ve been screaming for years about how the federal government was going to come take our guns,” Cade “Blockade” Albert said. “But I was wrong. They’re going to tell us we can’t have them and I’ll be happy to hand mine over.”
Penetrating Lead is also planning additional designs openly opposed to the Bill of Rights, including “I won’t use my freedom to speak,” “Choke me to death in prison,” and “If he didn’t want to be arrested, he shouldn’t have been five years old,” which the company expects to be top sellers.
At press time, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was spotted wearing one of Penetrating Lead’s “I’m on my knees for you, Mr. Policeman” shirts on the way to a botox appointment.
Take the survey: Which phrase should be banned from military emails?
1. "Per my last email"
2. "Circle back"
3. "Warrior Ethos"
4. "V/R"
5. "All of the above"
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