FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — Local Rifleman and sexual Tyrannosaurus Pvt. Devon Smith, 20, has just received a brand new ‘Infantry’ t-shirt, and is prepared to “throw this thing on and go to fucking pound town,” sources confirmed today.
Standing before the mirror above the sink in his barracks room, friends of Smith say he pulled the brand new t-shirt over his 155-pound frame on Friday night and marveled at the disorienting array of slogans, American flag imagery, and tribal designs.
According to barracks sources, the all-black shirt depicts landing craft approaching Omaha Beach during the Invasion of Normandy, with an improbably huge American Bald Eagle swooping above the German defenses, dropping napalm bombs released from its talons. In bold print across the top is a quote: “Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists. -George W. Bush.”
Immediately beneath the quote are two crossed M-16 series rifles centered on a target with Osama Bin Laden’s face between crosshairs. Two nuclear attack submarines are seen surfacing next to the landing craft and releasing a series of Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles.
“I like this one because I always fuckin’ hated Bin Laden,” Smith told reporters. “The Navy shit is all right I guess.”
Since completing One Station Unit Training at Fort Benning four months ago, Smith has accrued a variety of clothing prominently displaying crossed rifles, quotes from long-deceased American political figures, and heart-rending “Soldier Graves,” in an effort to proudly commemorate his 16 cumulative weeks of achievement in the American military.
The shirts are also so he can “pound out some fucking pussy on the reg,” Smith said.
Since the introduction of the Army infantry-themed paraphernalia to his wardrobe, local accounts dispute the veracity of Smith’s claims to such experiences as being “knee deep in muff,” and “up to [his] eyeballs in pussy”.
Smith’s roommate Spc. Jay Roberts cast doubt on the private’s various self-reported sexual exploits and physical altercations with fellow patrons of the local Buffalo Wild Wings. “Yeah he’s full of shit,” Roberts said.
Now with a fresh high and tight, wearing “JNCO” brand jeans above tan combat boots, Smith declares himself ready to “get fucking lit,” and “make sure all those skanks get what they deserve.”
“When I roll up to Bdubs for the UFC fight, you know I’m looking to either smash out some dumbass POG’s face, or Brittany, our wing flavor specialist,” said Smith. “She’s always coming up to me and asking how I’m doing every time I go in there. She definitely wants it, bad. What a slut.”
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