FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Sgt. Maj. Lawrence Kershner called an emergency battalion formation to warn soldiers not to watch The Force Awakens after seeing it at a midnight showing, battalion sources confirm.
“The film literally has nothing to do with any military force waking up,” Kershner told the assembled troops, in a rambling speech that seemed to last nearly as long as the first three movies. “I know you are all as excited as I was to see a movie about reveille and morning PT, but the title is completely false.”
The rest of the battalion stood in sleepy-eyed disbelief as Kershner went on to spoil the film’s entire plot. He also waxed nostalgic about the allegedly declining US military standards.
“All the disciplined, perfectly matching troops in the polished white armor lost the final battle, mostly because one of their men went AWOL and turned traitor like Bergdahl,” Kershner complained. “Where the hell was his battle buddy? Then, he joined the out-of-regs soup sandwich badguys who won by swinging their giant chemlights!”
Kershner’s enormous wad of chewing tobacco began to fall from his lip as he yelled, “I want to see a version where they all get regulation haircuts and dental check-ups! From what I hear, they can go back and digitally correct it in the Special Edition later on.”
After the three-hour formation, Kershner promised a real awakening for the force. “No breakfast or personal hygiene today. Do PT and report immediately to duty.”
Kershner lingered after the impromptu safety brief to stare at the charred helmet of the previous battalion sergeant major. “I will finish what you started,” he said quietly.
Fort Bragg’s commander, Gen. Stephen Townsend, thanked Kershner and asked him to repeat his presentation for the rest of the installation’s troops before any weekend passes would be honored.
“Since I have no real friends, I commanded my aide to see Star Wars with me last night,” Townsend said. “From the title, it seemed like we would be enjoying the war exploits of a bunch of generals, who we all know have stars for rank. I can’t bear to see another disappointed officer. We have to warn them.”