WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Marine Corps said today it would launch a thorough investigation into hundreds of male Marines who allegedly shared nude photos of their colleagues, announcing the formation of an independent investigatory panel comprised entirely of male Marines.
The Corps was careful to note that the panel was highly-diverse, having chosen a number of male generals, colonels, sergeants major, and one sergeant who none of them will take seriously.
“If these allegations are true, it undermines everything we stand for,” said Col. Jason Winters, a battalion commander who was recently appointed to the panel. “I know I speak for everyone on this panel when I say we are going to investigate this properly, find a few Marines here and there we can burn, then call it a day until two or three years from now when this comes up again.”
Meanwhile, top Marine leaders have assured the public they would begin a comprehensive strategy to combat any future incidents of harassment.
“We have a sure-fire strategy of just recycling the plan from the last harassment scandal, including mandatory PowerPoint briefings, stand-down days, and press releases,” a source at Headquarters Marine Corps told reporters.
“While this behavior certainly is disturbing,” said Lance Cpl. Michael Thompson, an administrator for the private Marines United group where photos were shared. “If any female Marines feel they have been victimized, they can take recourse in knowing that at least they were hot enough to have male Marines want to look at them naked and fantasize about raping them.”
In addition to male Marine leaders on the panel, the Corps has allowed some from other services to join the investigatory body as well.
“I will be diligent in documenting and collecting every single bit of evidence,” said Army Lt. Col. Jeffrey Sinclair, a panel member with extensive past experience in such matters.