WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Marine Corps said today it would launch a thorough investigation into hundreds of male Marines who allegedly shared nude photos of their colleagues, announcing the formation of an independent investigatory panel comprised entirely of male Marines.

The Corps was careful to note that the panel was highly-diverse, having chosen a number of male generals, colonels, sergeants major, and one sergeant who none of them will take seriously.

“If these allegations are true, it undermines everything we stand for,” said Col. Jason Winters, a battalion commander who was recently appointed to the panel. “I know I speak for everyone on this panel when I say we are going to investigate this properly, find a few Marines here and there we can burn, then call it a day until two or three years from now when this comes up again.”