CAPE MAY, N.J. — A Coast Guardsman undergoing a background interview for a top secret/sensitive compartmented information (TS/SCI) clearance is worried the investigator may learn he has no friends, sources confirmed today.
“If they ask me about how many people know me, I’m fucking screwed,” Petty Officer Steven Ferguson reportedly thought to himself, his palms sweating as he imagined the look on the interviewer’s face when she realizes he has no friends.
“Alright, how about Steve. Steve knows me. What is his last name?...Man? Steve Man? I’m an idiot.”
According to sources, Ferguson’s friend base consists only of some buddies he knew back in high school and those in his League of Legends team, specifically XFartBurglurX, Fapdragon, and HiggerNater.
