FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Controversial soldier Bowe Bergdahl is jumping into the world of small business ownership, opening a new Escape Room location in the luxurious city of Fayetteville, sources confirmed today.
Bergdahl’s Escape Room franchise will feature an Afghanistan-themed environment, including Hesco barriers, piss-tubes, and a complimentary actor masturbating danger-close to your cot.
Participants will battle toxic command climates, delusions of grandeur, and existential struggles for the meaning of life, according to the official press release.
The business is Bergdahl’s first significant move since returning to America and facing court-martial.
“I’m ready to move on with the next chapter of my life,” Bergdahl told reporters. “Other folks like Snowden and Manning are making bank off of their special life experiences, so why not me? Besides, I’ve learned you can’t just run away from your problems, and I need to pay off a fuck-ton of legal debt.”
Lt. Col. Franklin Rosenblatt, Bergdahl’s defense attorney, was seen sobbing in the fetal position on a bathroom floor after learning about the business venture.
“First the podcast, now this,” Rosenblatt said, according to one eyewitness. “I should’ve joined the fucking Air Force.”
Bergdahl also announced future plans for expansion franchise locations. “We’re hoping to open up affiliate networks in Pakistan and Syria,” he said. “I’m pushing for a fourth location in Guantanamo Bay too, if the negotiations pan out.”