YOUR HOMETOWN — Local Angry Internet Veterans are brainstorming, outlining, writing, and practicing their Angry Veterans Day Rants at this very moment at a place very close to you, Duffel Blog has learned.
Don Burke, a leader in the burgeoning field of angry veteran rants, understands that Veterans Day is ground zero for Angry Vet Opinions, but worries that the average streamer of his video rants doesn’t realize the amount of time and effort required to make them look natural.
“First I like to isolate myself from the corrupting touch of women for at least a week. Then I have to take at least three times the recommended pre-workout supplements from my signature line at GNC,” Burke told reporters. “After that I have to listen to Drowning Pool and do bicep curls until my veins are really popping. Then I go back to my list of Strong Veteran Opinions that I prepared weeks before and do a couple of rehearsals. Then I record the entire video about two days early so I have time to do some gentle editing to make sure that I look more swole and more angry.”
“It looks so easy, but it’s work, damnit.”
Like the first few snowflakes arriving on a brisk fall day, preparation of Veteran’s Day rants begins around Nov. 1 and often lingers throughout Veteran’s Day weekend, just in case anyone thought that Veterans Day is “just another three-day weekend.”
While viewers of Angry Veteran Rants often see highly-polished videos of veterans ranting incoherently about a variety of issues, Burke insists that a lot of work goes into it.
“You might see a thickly biceped, fully-bearded man mumbling to himself in the front seat of his pick-up truck. Or maybe it’s a pretty blonde girl in a deep v-neck American Flag tank-top standing in her back yard holding an AR-15 with mods she selected herself,” Burke said.
“As we speak, milCelebs are typing up angry Veteran’s Day tweets and setting them to autopost, carefully taking effortless-looking yet highly staged photos next to the grave of a ‘friend who paid the ultimate sacrifice,’ and making hair appointments for the perfect beachy curls for Veteran’s Day. It’s a lot of work,” he added.
Burke suggests citizens should look for similar behavior before Memorial Day and the 4th of July, but warns that Angry Vet Rant preparations can happen around any holiday where service members are away from their family, or can be tangentially related to literally any current event.
At press time, Burke was planning his eating route for Veteran’s Day, which so far included drinking beer and enjoying 30% off nachos at Applebee’s.
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