FORT BELVOIR, Va. – It felt like any other Friday as Capt. David Clark was driving home. Unable to get off post before the loud speakers sounded Retreat, he stood at the position of attention outside his car. That’s when he began to suspect something was wrong.
“The sky started turning dark red,” said Clark, “and I noticed a black funnel cloud swirling off in the distance near my company’s barracks.”
That’s when it dawned on him.
“Fuck me, I forgot to give the safety brief,” Clark said to himself.
Just 15 minutes earlier, Clark had released everyone for the weekend. There were so many announcements on this particular day that the safety brief completely slipped his mind. He jumped into his car and scrambled to get back to the barracks, but it was already too late.
“This giant octopus-faced thing is out front is ripping up all the first sergeant’s grass,” said Clark, remembering the scene as he pulled into the parking lot. “And of course all my soldiers are standing around with that guilty-as-fuck look pretending to be clueless.”
“I already knew it was private Upshaw,” said Clark. “He’s the one who plays all those weird video games with the wizards and elves and shit.”
Soldiers scratched their heads and discreetly pointed out where Upshaw was hiding. After yanking him out from under the day room sink, Upshaw admitted to spending his entire pay stub on a strange summoning tome from the local pawn shop.
“How was I supposed to know it was wrong?” asked Pvt. Upshaw. “We didn’t even get a safety brief, so everything should have been cool.”
It was then that Clark received a text from Spc. Maxwell Garriott, the unit snitch. The new Cthulhu thing had somehow managed to get off post and purchase a Ford Mustang. As far as Garriott could recall, its driver’s license was expired and for some reason, it was wearing a unit t-shirt.
“I was so fucked,” said Clark.
He begrudgingly began typing a text message to inform the battalion commander of the situation when his phone rang. Cthulhu had gotten a DUI and needed to be picked up.
Since Pvt. Upshaw only had enough money to buy the summoning tome, Capt. Clark’s company had to take responsibility for Cthulhu until Upshaw could acquire the un-summoning tome. Cthulhu has been placed in the orderly room and a sergeant has been assigned as a high-risk monitor.
“Cthulhu’s actually doing fine in this structured environment,” said Sgt. Alan Nelson. “Great attention to detail.”
“Take a look at this leave request, mortal,” Cthulhu told reporters. “There’s no cybersecurity training certificate stapled to the packet. DENIED!”
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