SYRIA — Army Master Sgt. Blake Tilly has decided to do all of his running in place since the fitness app Strava was discovered to compromise the outlines of secret American bases when used by service members on their routes, sources confirmed today.
“If the direction I run gives away our location and layout, then I’m not going anywhere,” Tilly told reporters, while jogging aggressively on a single patch of sand. “But I’m certainly not compromising on my fitness either.”
Support personnel are also required to join Tilly’s stationary runs, although not everyone can keep up.
“Tilly accused me of falling out on the run even though we weren’t actually moving,” said Spc. Daniel Garner. “Then he came and ran in place behind me, yelling at the back of my head until he said we crossed the finish.”
Tilly has even taken it upon himself to police others at his post who may be revealing sensitive information to the public.
“I saw some clown running the roads today and had to square him away. Had some stupid excuse about not tracking his routes,” Tilly commented before taking a hard right and stopping in the very same place he completed his entire workout.
“I’ll also be making sure to have everyone delete that ISIS Strava bull crap stateside too. Some people just don’t know OPSEC,” Tilly concluded, before logging his steps on his Fitbit and publishing the workout to Facebook.