WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis has made plans with his girlfriend to go out for dinner on Valentine's Day and kill everyone they meet, sources confirmed today.
In keeping with Mattis' recommendation to his subordinates over the years to not be complacent and always have a plan to kill if things go wrong, the Pentagon chief has been putting the finishing touches on a 5-paragraph order which assesses the situation, mission, execution, and other particulars of the date.
"Commander's Intent: To enjoy a nice dinner of steak, lobster, and wine before returning home to do some squat thrusts in the cucumber patch," a draft of the order reads. The order, written by Mattis with some input from his girlfriend and six of his female concubines, goes on to outline adjacent units (douchebros trying to get laid on Valentine's Day, other administration officials trying to book dinner reservations), terrain considerations (do we drive to a restaurant or plan a picnic at the end of a 15-mile ruck run?), and the enemy's most-likely and probable courses of action.
