BERKELEY, Calif. — Military recruiting offices have been overwhelmed with millennials seeking to join the Pentagon’s upcoming “Safe Space” Force, sources confirmed today.
The proposed force came at the suggestion of President Donald Trump while speaking to a group of young Marines stationed in Miramar, California. The speech was later shared on social media by a number of millennials currently lacking the requisite fitness to join the current military, but who were enthusiastic about reduced physical standards of the Safe Space Force.
“Since there is no gravity in space — and therefore no weight — they can’t discriminate against fit-but-fat people like me,” said Suzanne Paunchy, a gender-studies major that stands 5’4” and is now down to 195 pounds after her recent juice cleanse.
In interviews outside the Marine Corps recruiting office in Berkeley, a number of prospective enlistees spoke of the benefits of their service in the Safe Space Force, which senior defense officials say would likely fall under the Department of the Air Force.
“I haven’t been able to find a job that I am passionate about since I graduated with my poetry degree, so I moved back in with my dad and stepmom,” said Ezra Bard, who graduated from UC-Berkeley in 2013. “Outer space seems like a great way to escape the greed of the corporate world. I just hope the cafeteria serves avocado toast, and that they pay enough for me to afford my Spotify premium subscription.”
“This is the first good idea Trump has had,” said Hillary Stein, a liberal arts major who’s father recently purchased her a Mercedes with his rebate from the new tax plan. “I heard that Elon Musk is going to be the Commanding General of the Safe Space Force, and he invented electricity so that means he’s really smart.”
Still, some were more enthusiastic about escaping Earth rather than the prospect of public service .
“I heard climate change will cause the earth to become uninhabitable next year, so humans will need to move to another galaxy to survive. I am excited to be a bona-fide Space Cadet, and I hope to fight the Buggers just like that kid from Ender’s Game,” said Dwight Dorkus, a gluten free vegan and serves as president of the U.C. Berkeley Comic-Con Club.