TEHRAN — The war of words between the U.S. and Iran reached a fever pitch after Iranian President Hassan Rouhani tweeted a middle finger emoji at President Donald Trump, sources confirmed today.
The tweet came just days after Trump tweeted at Rouhani earlier this week, “NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE,” a threat Trump often repeats to his golf caddy at Mar-a-Lago so he handles his clubs with care.
White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters the tweet was “a clear escalation” from Tehran that would be responded to forcefully. She added that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo would be writing a sternly-worded letter to the editor of his local paper about the matter, while the president would add an additional hour of screaming at the television to his morning routine.
Trump responded to Rouhani’s tweet in an early-morning tweetstorm almost immediately, prompting U.S. military leadership to move to the force to Defense Condition 3. At that readiness level, military units can be ready in 6 hours to deploy all caps social media posts, Rick Roll videos, and presidential shit-posts, defense officials said.
“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?” Trump’s tweet storm began, before adding, “I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little ‘clever’ comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.”
At press time, Rouhani had not said anything about Trump’s most recent threats, although sources say Iran’s Revolutionary Guard Corps was searching its vast arsenal for the perfect response GIF.