GREENBELT, Md — With claims that sound suspiciously similar to a recent incident at a Home Depot in Kansas, jailed Coast Guard Lt. Christopher Hasson now claims “plotting domestic terrorism” is how he describes going to the bathroom, sources confirmed today.
“Lieutenant Hasson’s arrest is system overreach of the highest order,” Hasson’s lawyer, Julie Stelzig, said. “My client is guilty of having a penchant for spicy Thai food, a leaky b-hole, and a creative vocabulary, nothing else.”
While authorities remain skeptical, Hasson’s team is attempting to sway the public by going directly to the media. White power, mass murder of innocent civilians, and neo-Nazism are diarrhea ideologies and should therefore be considered acceptable euphemisms for having diarrhea, his team emphasized in a press statement.
While novel, it’s doubtful the defense will be effective.
“Everybody poops, not everyone spends their day googling mass shootings,” said a law enforcement official familiar with the case. “It also doesn’t explain the weapons the defendant was stockpiling or his association with known terrorist groups.
In response, Hasson reportedly clarified that he suffers from erectile dysfunction, which he treats by taking Cialis, stockpiling ammunition, and spending time with piece of shit human beings.