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Pentagon press corps establishes fund to locate missing government spokesmen

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WASHINGTON — Members of the Pentagon Press Corps announced a $3 million GoFundMe campaign to raise money to find, locate, and recover missing senior Department of Defense officials by featuring their photographs on milk cartons in the District of Columbia-Maryland-Virginia metropolitan area, sources confirmed today.

Last week marked the 300th day since a Pentagon spokesperson briefed on camera in the Pentagon Briefing Room and 211 days since a Secretary of Defense briefed there, according to a Rand Corporation study.

“We were really concerned for their whereabouts and safety,” said Louis-Martin Eze, president of the Pentagon Press Association. “We’ve even reached out to the SETI Institute and our contacts at the Department of the Air Force’s Area 51 to see if there has been an uptick in alien abductions in the Northern Virginia area.”

“I was losing sleep these past months – until Eze and I cracked the code on this,” said Roberto Byrnes, Associated Press reporter and long-time Pentagon observer.

“We just knew that putting these missing officials’ images on milk cartons in schools everywhere was our last, best chance on finding them,” Byrnes said. “Their children and grandchildren know where they are!”

Not all see this as a bad thing.

A recent Heritage Foundation study found that compared to previous administrations, the current Department of Defense leadership has accomplished an astounding 4,300 percent reduction in press engagement from January 2017 to present.

“The Pentagon has achieved unprecedented savings in personnel overhead by reducing the number of official briefings, interviews, and media embeds,” said James J. Marajuano, Vice President of National Security and Foreign Policy at the Heritage Foundation.

“Big government has no business being engaged in keeping taxpayers informed of where their money is being spent,” Marajuano continued. “Furthermore, it’s bad for the troops’ morale when all they read about in the papers is how the brass is screwing up the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq-Syria. We also know that by keeping young Americans in the dark, we provide military recruiters the challenges they crave.”

Anyone who is aware of the current locations of the Secretary of Defense, Deputy Secretary of Defense, or Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is encouraged to contact local authorities to assist in their recovery and return to work, members of the press added.

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