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Thomas Jefferson gives your July 4th holiday weekend safety briefing

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When in the course of the division training schedule it becomes necessary to release the soldiery, sailory, and, er, Marinery on a 4-day weekend for this momentous July 4 holiday, marking the 243rd year of independence of these United States, it also becomes necessary for His Excellency, the Commander-in-Chief, to exhort you to practice the utmost safety, because many of you are about to face diverse dangers and vile temptations.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that you cannot hold your Fireball cinnamon whiskey as well as you consider, that your driving skills on the road are not as those you practice while playing “Grand Theft Auto,” and that although you are weapons “experts,” handling explosive fireworks after shot-gunning 40-ounce PBRs all day is never a good idea. These are only some of the many evils that await as you so nobly celebrate the blessings of liberty that my generation secured through pledging our own lives, fortunes, and sacred honor.

You doubtless deserve this holiday after many fatigues and triumphs. In the preceding months, you have scored highly on a Command Inspection. You have endured and completed hundreds of hours of compulsory training, although to what purpose only Divine Providence knows. You have waged cruel war. And you proved your expertise with firelocks during last month’s range week. These achievements please His Excellency immensely and look really great on the Unit Status Report.

Yet none of these laurels will protect your patriotic asses should your revelry devolve into debauchery and put you on the Provost’s blotter report. Therefore, be well-rested before foraying out. Observe and heed all marked speed limits, posted by justly constituted local assemblies. Communicate with a compatriot or Uber for assistance rather than operating a vehicle under the influence of strong drink. And by all measures, avoid altercations with local magistrates.

We now declare that you are of right and ought to be free and independent soldiers for the next four days. You have the full power to conduct commerce with local taverns and car dealerships, to levy war with family members and in-laws, and to contract alliances, friendly and romantic. But take cautions should you congress with those of the stripping profession, and ensure the union is not one of marriage.

Enjoy your freedoms and pray return to your barrack huts by 1800 Sunday. Should you fail, or if any of these declared maladies befall you, may Nature’s God protect you miscreants because sure as shit the First Sergeant will not.

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