FORT IRWIN, California — Army Master Sgt. Matthew Lowe made history today after clearing his name in a landmark discrimination case with an unlikely defense—he hates everyone equally.

"Am I happy?" asked Lowe when responding to reporters. "Look, I regret that a soldier felt like they were being singled out, but I'm glad that we've clarified all the misunderstandings for that little turd."

Earlier this year, an E-6 in Lowe's unit had filed several complaints against the NCO for discriminatory behavior. Allegations ranged from repeatedly shouting to complete delinquent training, physically stalking the accuser to dental to confirm appointment, and intentionally assigning staff duty on the night of an Ariana Grande concert when non-refundable tickets had already been purchased. According to sources, Lowe was absolutely floored when the command informed him of the situation, and he was determined to prove his innocence.