FORT LEAVENWORTH — The Army has admitted to losing your flu shot paperwork because it wants you to die. Like, for realz.
The Army was pretty chill about its admission, not getting all emotional about it, saying, “Yeah, I lost your shit and I hope you die, bro.”
Last week, Capt. Patrick Redshirt, a student at the Army’s Command and General Staff College, reported to the Inspector General that he has received 23 flu shots. Apparently, each flu shot’s paperwork was immediately shredded.
Redshirt was later declared AWOL after he passed out in a school bathroom stall and failed return from a ten-minute break on time.
“His status is now critical, and his MEDPROS is still RED,” a spokesman announced three minutes later, “because he has yet to receive a documented flu shot. He’s scheduled for another flu shot tomorrow morning.”
The tradition of losing documented paperwork dates back to Valley Forge, where George Washington, himself, who gave three series of smallpox inoculations only to later intentionally lose them so his men would stop getting all squirrelly. He also used other methods of slowly poisoning his troops, including being the father of saltpeter in chow.
The modern record for most flu shots absorbed by a human goes to Pvt. Morticia Addams, who took more than 43 hits of flu mist before passing out and falling into a coma. The number is widely disputed, however, as the records were lost.
When asked to comment on the Army’s behavior, the Marine Corps said, “Ha, yeah, I do the same thing all the time.”
The Air Force claimed to be “horrified” by it, but the Navy admitted to similar actions, but only when it comes to their enlisted men and women, “who aren’t real people.”
Update: Capt. Redshirt has since passed away. His corpse has received three additional flu shots.