THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced this morning that, contrary to popular conception, not every player on the field at the 2019 Army/Navy game would be willing to die for everyone watching according to a six-month, $3 million study.

The study asked a variety of questions, including whether military members should all be paid equal to or more than professional athletes and whether there is a correlation between good REM sleep and the availability of rough men to conduct violent action at night on their behalf.

“Unfortunately, we’ve identified at least four cadets and three midshipmen on the field who displayed various levels of unwillingness to give their lives for every single one of the millions of fans watching the game at home or there in the stadium,” said Navy Capt. Ross Adams, a DoD spokesman involved with the study.