NAS FALLON, Nev. — Navy fighter pilot, Lt. Lance “Ox” Mandrake, graduated first in his classes at the Naval Academy, Flight School, and TOPGUN. But his records indicate that, despite his 20/20 vision, he has yet again been passed over for promotion to O-4 for a glaring inability to see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
“I would imagine it has something to do with the nine grams of sugar per serving and the addictive tendencies of America’s increasingly obese youth. I actually wrote my thesis on the subject,” said the un-promotable moron, who pursued a Master’s Degree in Health and Fitness during his shore tour as Test Pilot.
“He has impeccable vision, flawless depth perception, and the most perfectly formed retinas I’ve ever seen,” said Navy Corpsman and kid who loves Cinnamon Toast Crunch, 19 year-old HN1 Aidan Bixby, who administered Mandrake’s annual flight physical. “But the big dumb idiot just couldn’t see that it’s the cinnamon sugar swirls in every bite.”
“Some have proclaimed Mandrake a victim of the Navy’s zero-defect mentality, the inability to see the whole officer due to one seemingly arbitrary sticking point,” commented Cdr. Richard Johnson, one of the staff officers on Mandrake’s promotion board, “But if that chuckleshmuck can’t see that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a tasty part of this balanced breakfast, then there is no place for him in my Navy.”
Sources say that while Mandrake was flying combat missions over Iraq and Syria, Johnson was failing at combating the aviation retention crisis. Though it was immediately swept under the rug, the official reprimand cited “poor strategic vision.”
This article has been sponsored by Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Cinnamon Toast Crunch: “The taste you can see.”