TED”S ROOT CELLAR — The System of Humans In The Anti-Illuminati Militia concluded an inspection of a remote SCIF in Florida designed to keep out the NSA, Bigfoot, JFK’s true killer, and North Koreans.
The location is occupied around the clock by Captain Commandant Ted McTedson: professional prepper instructor, shitpost lord, and regular blogger at SHITAIM.com (TM).
The site includes the perfect mix of old military surplus equipment, military-grade school supplies, broken walkie talkies, and elaborate furniture made of milk crates. “And lots of wires, because The Matrix is kickass,” McTedson said.
The inspection came as a result of recent reports that Ted was violating security protocols maintained by the 4Chan community. Mostly because Ted wouldn’t stop taking selfies and posting them. Not the type of actions becoming of a lord.
Trevor was also out of uniform in every photo, knowing full well that the mandatory airsoft jungle camouflage was the agreed-upon standard.
Perhaps the most surprising (besides the jars full of urine and clear evidence of voluntary MRE consumption) was that there were no security violations inside the makeshift SCIF. In fact, so many layers of aluminum foil were glued to the walls that no electronic signals of any kind could get in or out the structure.
Ted, a former Army 92G who was involuntarily separated after just four months—“You can’t write about that! That file has been sealed!” Ted said— was reprimanded for the selfies and given a promotion within the organization.