PENTAGON — Army Chief of Staff Gen. James C. McConville today pledged to authorize beards if the Army met the goal of having 90% of all soldiers vaccinated against Covid-19 by July 4th.

“Though most of you trailer park ex-pats couldn’t grow a full beard if your life depended on it,” McConville said during a press conference announcing the long-sought policy change. “We’ll let you grow whatever patchy facial hair you are capable of as long as you just get the goddamn shot.”

McConville and other senior Army leaders have been pressured to find the right incentives to get soldiers vaccinated following reports that more than one-third of servicemembers have declined the COVID-19 vaccine. As more than 80% of the Army is male, targeting soldiers with a beard incentive could be the nudge necessary to reach vaccination goals.