FORT HOOD, Texas — Capt. Todd Bolshoi, deputy operations officer at the 3-23rd Infantry Regiment (light) gave a battle update brief so laced with metaphor it rendered the scheme of maneuver incomprehensible and thoroughly confused the collected staff, witnesses have reported.

“Bravo Company 2nd Platoon will be the reserve unit with faint in a second position demi-plié, a kind of tableau if you will, before everything shifts stage right,” said Bolshoi, dramatically gesturing to a sand table. “And then, to put it clearly, the assault team jeté entrelacés a right flanking movement.”

While many had known about Bolshoi’s football scholarship in college, few knew of his love for classical ballet or his extended training in what he calls "that most disciplined of the performing arts."

“Then we go all Baryshnikov on red team’s ass, and they frigging won't know what hit them," Bolshoi continued. “It'll be like the New York City Ballet on January 17, 1958 all fucking over again! 1st Platoon, you're the support-by-fire element. Operational tempo is really important here. I need you to keep up at allegro on those 240s. Drop it down to an adagio on order when the assault team clears the objective.”