FORT LIBERTY, NC — In a surprising discovery that has rocked the barracks of Fort Liberty, home of Special Operations, the Airborne, and your mom, a group of privates has reported that the jalapeño cheese spread commonly found in MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat) is a catastrophic choice for an anal lubricant.

The incident came to light early Monday morning when several soldiers were rushed to the base medical center with complaints that experts are calling an “unprecedented amount of butt-hurt, never before seen in the annals of military medical history.”

“I just thought, hey, it's slippery, it's available, and it glows in the dark, why not?” said a Pvt. who preferred to remain anonymous. “I couldn't have been more wrong.”