WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard.
The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence.
The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright.
“This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.”
Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed.
“I can assure you that President Trump lets me sit in on intelligence briefings every day, so long as I’m being good,” Rubio said, nervously adjusting a crucifix while glancing at Miller. “And I have never once seen Tulsi Gabbard in the Situation Room. Unless she was disguised as a potted plant.”
Pentagon spokesman Chad “Keg” Stand acknowledged that occasionally “a woman with weird hair” shows up asking pointed questions about Ukraine.
“But I can assure you that since she’s a 7 — maybe an 8, tops — she is absolutely not cleared to access War Duke Hegseth,” Stand said.
On Capitol Hill, responses were remarkably bipartisan in that no one appeared eager to confirm who was running the intelligence community.
“Of course this is a serious accusation,” said Sen. Tom Tillis (R-N.C.). “I vaguely remember voting on something related to intelligence oversight, but surely it wasn’t Tulsi Gabbard. That would be crazy."
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer offered his most practiced sigh and promised to issue “a strongly worded post on X” if the allegations proved accurate.
“Is Tulsi the one who shot her dog? No? The one who swam in poop water with kids? Huh,” Schumer said. “I’ll have to circle back.”
Speaker of the House Mike Johnson dismissed questions about the DNI’s identity, insisting he had more pressing matters.
“I’m extremely relevant and important,” Johnson said. “So I just don't know anything about this. I can’t be expected to know whether there’s an intelligence community, much less whether it’s being run by someone so hilariously unqualified.”
Further questions about who was leading American intelligence have been referred to officials in Fulton County, Georgia for some reason.
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