Greetings brothers and sisters. Before you go forth, allow me to bestow on you some wisdom. I feel like my Father hit these main points about 4,000 years ago, but some of you need a reminder.

For starters, no gods before me and no idols, okay? What that means is do not worship at the altar of Coors Light. Think “What would Jesus do?” not “How many shots can I do?”

Don’t take my name in vain, and really, just watch your mouth in general. The way some of you talk would make Satan blush. It is not okay to tell the young lady who works at McDonald’s you want some “effing fries” and her “digits if she wants to get freaky.”

Keep holy the Sabbath, which for you is midnight tonight or 1600 Sunday, if you filled out the appropriate liberty paperwork. In other words, don’t miss curfew.