SHAW AFB, S.C. — Hey, yo Colonel, I'm real happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish your safety brief, but I wanted to say some things before you do. First off, the sergeant major gives the best safety briefs of all time.

Soldiers, good morning, look at the valedictorian, scared of the future as I hop in my DeLorean. Wait, I'm sorry, sometimes I just get lost in my amazing art from the past. Anyways, first thing first, don't drink and drive. I know you want to get out there and go H.A.M, hard as a mother, damn, I did it again. Back to the point, drinking and driving is the worst personal decision you can make, other than voluntarily watching Keeping up with the Kardashians, so don't do it. Call a cab.

Next, y'all need to practice safe sex for sure. I don't know if you guys and gals have learned yet, but not everyone is loyal and honest. Now, I'm not saying she's a Gold Digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke—shit, sorry. All I'm saying is, if you don't wrap it up, it could be 18 years, 18 years, and on their eighteenth birthday you might find out it wasn't yours, so be smart.