MARJAH, AFGHANISTAN - Multiple sources with the 1st Section of 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marines 81mm Mortar Platoon are confirming today that they are never able to finish their card games or complete other important duties, because they keep getting interrupted by annoying calls for fire support.

"The Marine Corps sends us here to do a job and as 0341's [Military Occupational Specialty], we perform that job flawlessly," said LCpl Ryan Eagles of Springfield, IL. "But all my spades training at 29 Palms, Hawaii, Bridgeport, and basically everywhere is going to waste when we have to do these goddamn fire missions."

Infantry Mortarmen typically serve in 81mm Spades platoons in Weapons Company or alongside 0311 rifleman in smaller 60mm sections. They receive years of training in card tricks and gameplay, proper dodging of higher-ups, and how to drink far beyond human capacity.

"At SOI [School of Infantry], our instructors really taught us the fundamentals -- spades always trumps, you need to get to 500 points, that sort of thing," said PFC Hugo Rodriguez. "Then when we got to the fleet, the training got even more intense -- we had nightly binge drinking events and PT runs away from the OOD, and belligerence basics."