FORT MEADE, MD – Amid growing public controversy and a slew of high-profile leaks, the National Security Agency announced Monday plans to bring an end to all of its intelligence functions and operations.

“You guys win,” a haggard NSA spokesperson told a room of reporters. “Thanks to you hyenas, I haven’t seen my kids since 2012. I’m tired and, frankly, I don’t give a shit anymore what we know or how we know it. Before any of you learns anything else about us from anybody, we’re going to make this easy. We quit intelligence. No more collection. No more analysis. Nothing. Starting today, I can assure you without caveat or hesitation that nothing intelligent is happening at the NSA."

Indeed, sources confirm that all classified documents and computers have been removed from the agency’s Fort Meade headquarters and the clearances of more than 30,000 employees revoked.