PENTAGON – On the heels of long conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, neither of which involved enemy sea power, the U.S. Navy is on the hunt for a new adversary. Multiple sources within the Department of Defense indicate that American warships may soon be setting their sights on the world’s dolphin population.

Though American forces rarely target animal species specifically, naval officers are trying to combat boredom within the ranks while they wait for China to attack Australia. They view dolphins as smart, fast, capable of adapting on the fly, and a species they would definitely consider starting some shit with just to see where it goes.

Despite these facts, dolphins were not the first choice for a potential adversary. The Navy’s original plan was to target giant squid, a traditional foe of sailors throughout history. However, they were unable to find any in the depths of the ocean. Marine Biologists say that is probably because giant squid populations are already very low and that the massive Kraken the Navy kept asking about is likely a myth.