Elon Musk awarded Bronze Star for accomplishing nothing

“While he achieved literally none of his stated objectives, the PowerPoint slides were clean, and he cc’d a lot of people.”

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Air Force awarded Elon Musk the Bronze Star this week for “exceptional service in theoretical cost-cutting and performative patriotism,” despite the tech mogul accomplishing nothing of measurable value during his six-month tenure as Director of Government Efficiency (DOGE).

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The award, typically reserved for acts of heroism or meritorious achievement in a combat zone, was pinned to Musk’s Patagonia vest during a closed-door ceremony attended by several high-ranking officers, four camera crews, and a Tesla Cybertruck that refused to start.

“Musk’s unwavering commitment to pretending to reduce fraud, waste, and abuse in government spending is the kind of leadership we pretend to recognize all the time,” said Air Force spokesperson Lt. Col. Garrett Roemer. “While he achieved literally none of his stated objectives, the PowerPoint slides were clean, and he cc’d a lot of people.”

Musk, who President Donald Trump appointed to lead DOGE earlier this year, vowed to eliminate $2 trillion in government waste. Instead, he left office after barely 175 days, having saved an estimated $312.57 — most of which came from replacing coffee in federal buildings with expired Soylent and firing 9,000 civilian employees by tweeting a poop emoji.

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Sources say Musk earned the decoration the same way many senior officers have: by showing up late, making the mission worse, and leaving before the consequences arrived.

“Elon’s a disruptor,” said Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David Alvin. “Sure, morale collapsed, the stock market tanked, the administration’s approval rating is at historic lows, and he accidentally gave a Nazi salute during a Defense Acquisition press conference — but that’s not nothing. That’s negative something.”

Critics of the award pointed to several investigations into Musk’s companies, including allegations of unsafe labor practices and the misuse of federal subsidies.

These investigations were quietly dropped shortly after Musk's $290 million donation to Trump’s re-election campaign was processed via a crypto wallet named “VeryLegalCoin69.”

Tesla stock plummeted 38% following Musk’s resignation, with analysts citing “erratic behavior,” “ideological monologuing during budget meetings,” and “attempting to merge the IRS and SpaceX into a single Mars-based audit force.”

Despite the chaos, the Department of Defense confirmed that the Bronze Star was approved by a fast-tracked Form 638 submitted by Musk’s executive assistant, which cited “resilience in the face of Twitter backlash” and “advancing the strategic use of memes in combatting inefficiency.”

When reached for comment, Musk tweeted, “The real fraud is pretending efficiency matters in a bureaucracy. I streamlined morale. You’re welcome. 🔥🚀🐶 #BronzeStarDaddy.”