Headquarters Commander Doesn't Command Anything

JOINT-BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Capt. Miles Donahue, commander of Headquarters and Headquarters Company (HHC) in the Headquarters and Headquarters Battalion (HHB) of US Army I Corps, finally realized that he doesn’t actually command anything, according to sources.

Donahue administratively leads over 190 personnel in the HHC. Of those, 48 are fellow captains who have already completed their own commands, and 104 are other officers on the Corps staff who outrank him, including three generals. Interviews with all of them confirmed that they wouldn’t recognize their “commander” if he passed them on the street.

The epiphany for the young officer, who previously served in a Stryker Infantry battalion and was denied command of a line company for lack of a ranger tab, came when he sent out a memo dictating that all personnel would be required to attend the 0630 accountability and PT formation starting the next day.

In the memo Donahue highlighted the "need for cohesion."

"Bringing the company together as a team during PT will show that there is no difference between what the Army expects of new privates and the general officers who command them," Donahue wrote.

Instead of the immediate acknowledgements from those in his command, Donahue was stunned to receive 37 profanity-laced emails berating him about a lack of understanding in basic chain of command protocol and poor training management skills. He also received a text message from Cpt. Jake Spencer, his West Point classmate and aide to the Commanding General, who called him a “pogue-ass bitch.”

The emails were quickly followed by a personal visit from Corps Command Sgt. Maj. DeSean Pryce, who explained to the motivated captain that "Although great power comes with great responsibility, great responsibility does not necessarily come with great power."

The next day Donahue was seen at PT doing squat thrusts with a platoon of privates. No other officers were present.

Editor’s Note: At the time of this publication, Donahue had been relieved for failing to meet his monthly quotas for urinalysis testing, SHARP training attendance, and range qualifications.