JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO, Texas – Hundreds of airmen starved to death after the base dining facilities ran out of gourmet foodstuffs, including truffles and wagyu beef, sources confirmed today.
“Last month we had to close down the sushi bar and now this,” Lt. Gen. Marshall B. Webb, commander of the Air Education and Training Command said during a press conference. “The good news is there are a few hundred less mouths to feed, so we will be able to stretch out the remaining Beluga caviar and bluefin tuna for a few more days.”
“This is worse than the Air Force-wide butler strike of ‘98.”
Insiders say this isn’t the first time airmen have suffered over inadequate chow and broken dreams. In 1987, a dining facility at Minot Air Force Base ran out of Godiva chocolate milk for two weeks, nearly spurring a nuclear missile crisis. Nevertheless, Air Force leaders say they have a plan to mitigate the crisis until logistics are up and running again.
“We are asking our airmen to have an open mind, and be a bit more resilient,” Gen. Charles Q. Brown Jr., the Air Force Chief of Staff told reporters. “For a few months, they may have to settle for a good old-fashioned grass-fed Filet Mignon instead of wagyu filets, and porcini mushrooms instead of truffles. You know, rough it a bit, like the Army.”
“Besides, they’ll get hardship pay until we get this all sorted out.”
