JOINT BASE LANGLEY-EUSTIS, Va. – Gen. John “Mike” Murray pinned the Bronze Star Medal with “snake eyes” device on Major Dennis Klinefelter today for conspicuous gallantry in the face of overwhelming statistical odds during a recent tabletop wargame. Witnesses say Klinefelter, a strategist at the Army Futures Command, displayed uncommon valor as the U.S. ground force commander during the wargame against a near-peer adversary.
“His luck was uncanny,” said Lt. Col. Mike Shephard. “A whole division was surrounded and one turn away from total destruction when Klinefelter swept back his cape and charged toward the table with his ten-sided die. He rolled a one, ten times in a row, destroying all adjacent enemies. Those are one-in-10-billion odds.”
“I'm not gonna lie, it gave me an erection.”
Klinefelter’s heroism and brilliance did not stop during that turn. On several occasions, he alluded to top-secret-level capabilities, on which he could not elaborate but that would, “totally negate enemy actions 100 percent of the time.” Later, the junior field grade officer placed a corps at risk to achieve a theater-wide double envelopment like Hannibal at Cannae and Mel Gibson in the final battle of The Patriot.
Not everyone who attended the wargame was a fan of Klinefelter’s actions. Maj. Dick Matthews, an intelligence officer and the overall “red” forces commander, was skeptical of Klinefelter’s luck and claims about Futures Command’s classified capabilities.
“Everything this guy did was unrealistic. Whenever his forces would get in trouble, he would mention some ‘multidomain’ capability that we couldn’t verify,” Matthews said while making air quotes. “And I don’t know if you have seen many of our generals nowadays, but they don’t tolerate that level of risk too well. Also, I’m pretty sure he brought his own dice which is both suspicious and really just kind of sad. At least this wargame will only be used to make budgetary decisions and to inform future war plans.”
Klinefelter could not be reached for comment. A public affairs spokesman said he was conducting “research” at a “Magic, the Gathering” coven at a nearby comic book store.