QUANTICO, Va. – After year of extensive testing, the Marine Corps announced it would begin issuing maternity body armor to expectant mothers and corpulent colonels by fiscal year 2021.
“It’s all about increasing readiness and deployability,” said Brig. Gen. Martin Preggers. “And lethality. For years we’ve been trying to make sure that our Marines never miss training. This new body armor will keep these knocked-up wooks in the fight.”
Staff Sgt. Kacey Johnson, pregnant with her third child, welcomed the new body armor as the perfect accessory to the GP medium maternity tent uniform.
“Honestly, I’ve never wanted to kill people more than when I’m pregnant,” Johnson said. “Maybe it’s the hormones, but I’d bayonet you for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s right now.”
“No really,” she added as she attached MOLLE ammunition pouches to the armored baby plate. “I have a plan to kill you right now.”
“All of you.”
The new body armor will be entirely the same from the navel up and is not recommended for nursing mothers or women with breasts.
“I was missing the constant pressure on my spine and shoulders from the body armor,” said Lance Cpl. Tiffany Grayson, a administrative specialist pregnant with her first child. “Now I’m not sure where the weight is coming from. My pelvis? My back? Does body armor kick?”
“Sorry, I went to public schools.”
The SAPI alternative model, which is lined with inspirational quotes sure to make hormonal women cry, will roll out next year.
The move to maternity armor has been heralded by many who see the equipment as some of the first gear to be designed with women’s ergonomics in mind, but has drawn some detractors, especially from the ranks of sergeants major.
“You’re not a Marine just because your mamma is a Marine, and you shouldn’t get to wear a USMC uniform,” said Sgt. Maj. Waylon Davidson. “I can’t see that that fetus is maintaining the grooming standard, and he better not have his hands in his goddamn pockets in there.”
Due to budget cuts, most units will not receive the body armor, but instead will get a conversion kit that adds a “Baby on Board!” sticker and all-day morning sickness barf bags to the side panels of traditional body armor.