- Duffel Blog
- Nation wishes Hollywood strike happened whenever The Hurt Locker was made
Nation wishes Hollywood strike happened whenever The Hurt Locker was made
But that scene in the grocery store, bro! So real, bro!
EOD guys prefer National Training Center to The Hurt Locker
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Amid the ongoing strike by the Writers Guild of America (WGA) and the performers union SAG-AFTRA, citizens across the country today unequivocally agreed that they wish writers and actors had hit the picket line whenever it was that the movie The Hurt Locker was created.
"There is an unprecedented level of agreement on this point," said American University political scientist Arnold Jameson. "Americans rue the day The Hurt Locker came into existence, and are particularly frustrated that writers and performers weren’t striking when this cinematic piece of garbage was developed."
One citizen pointed out that "the movie is absolute shit," while 331.9 million of her fellow citizens, aged zero days to 115 years, all nodded in emphatic concurrence.
"It is a crime against the artistic community that this film was considered for any award, let alone that it received nine nominations and won the most prestigious one along with five others,” said another, adding that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences “is totally fucking dead to me” to deafening shouts of “amen” from across the 3.98 million square mile swath of land that is the United States.
The veteran community appears notably unified in the resounding opinion that The Hurt Locker is a complete abomination of modern film.
“Regardless, it would be really great if The Hurt Locker had never been written, filmed, edited, and, my God, screened before audiences,” the group of approximately 16.5 million veterans added in terrifying and awe-inspiring unison.
Seeking deeper understanding of the phenomenon unifying all of America, Duffel Blog convened a smaller focus group. “I will concede that, in recent years, people have not asked me as often whether or not I have seen that god-awful movie when they find out that I served,” said every person who served in the past twenty years. “But that question has been replaced by ‘Have you seen American Sniper?’ which is sometimes even more grating.”
In a stunning indication of the national unity around this outlook, President Biden and his political arch-rival Donald Trump held a joint press conference where they both affirmed their solidarity with one another - and with every single person in the country - in believing that pen should never have gone to paper on the script of The Hurt Locker.
Former President Trump quipped that “many people - lots of people, very smart people, agree that The Hurt Locker is a very bad movie - the worst really, is what everyone is saying. I’m told it doesn’t even have Navy SEALs in it.” With his hand linked in Trump’s, President Biden chimed in, “Cripes sakes, he’s right! Jiminy, Hollywood - what were you thinking? Come on, man!”
Task Force Football Bat has not seen American Sniper.