Navy kicks off 'Incel to Intel' recruiting campaign

The service's novel approach is to recruit technologically adept virgins into the intelligence community.

WASHINGTON — Recruiting is a known issue within the Department of Defense. While many branches have tried to lean on the core benefits of military service, such as pride, honor, personal fulfillment, and “free” healthcare, the results have not been fruitful. But the Navy has employed a novel approach, recruiting technologically adept virgins, or incels, to join the intelligence community, in what has been coined as the “Incel to Intel” initiative. 

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“Incel”, short for “involuntarily celibate”, also encompasses the rage, sadness, and disenchantment that many young, usually white, men feel when they view the world at large. One may wonder why the Navy would try to onboard these potentially volatile men into the ranks. Lt. Ula Sigmundsdóttir, an intelligence officer who frequently works with Navy human resources, has the answer. 

“These guys are losers, right?” Sigmundsdóttir said. “But they are also consumers of tons of news (fake and otherwise), they are extremely computer savvy, and they can hyper-focus on stalking someone — all ideal for the intelligence community.”

Sigmundsdóttir is not alone in this. Her colleague, Lt. Jg Mathilde Klein-Müller, recognized this untapped market and has personally helped to recruit as many as possible. 

“Just look at me! I am a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, fit, lean, tall German girl,” Klein-Müller explained. “All I have to do is roll up to an anime convention or an internet cafe and wait for those weirdos to start staring me down.”

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Now that the bait is in place and the trap is set, Klein-Müller goes in for the kill (recruiting pitch).

“I bat my eyelashes and tell the guy that I love the Joker t-shirt he is wearing, maybe I even say something subtly but not overtly racist so he feels like he is among friends; then he may tell me that I am his ideal (Aryan) woman,” Klein-Müller continues, pretending to blush and be impressed before reverting back to her cold, steely, glare. “I ask if he has any friends with him — he usually doesn’t, but sometimes I get lucky — and then I do what I call my ‘alligator death roll’ where I suggest we go back to my place. The thing is… ‘my place’ is a local recruiting office, but by this point, he doesn’t want to disappoint me. I have a 113% success rate since an extra couple of weirdos always end up following me all the way to the recruiting office. Who said stalking was bad?”

Some may view this recruiting method as deceitful or dangerous, but Sigmundsdóttir disagrees. During our interview, she slyly looks over her shoulder, smiles, and calls her friend and Navy HR officer, Lt. Freja Svensson, over to discuss. 

“I played volleyball and water polo at the Naval Academy,” Svensson recalled while flexing her incredibly toned and genuinely impressive form as a bodybuilder would. “I know how to fight, so I am not worried. Besides, what else did these guys have to offer the world? They could be yelling slurs on Call of Duty live play well into their late thirties or trying to Frankenstein-merge their AI girlfriend’s mind into their Waifu pillow. What we are doing here is taking all that creepy behavior and using it against the adversary.”

The Incel to Intel initiative has proven so successful that Sigmundsdóttir, Svennson, and Klein-Müller will be presenting their findings to the Pentagon next month. While this scheme has been receiving a lot of positive press, the Air Force released a statement claiming that it has been using this strategy for decades. 

Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass

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