WASHINGTON – A study released today found that officers who purchased non-valor Bronze Star license plates for their vehicles were 98% less likely to have left a forward operating base, or FOB, during a deployment than officers who did not purchase the plates.
The Pentagon spent two months and roughly $17 billion on the study, which was originally intended to determine why some officers were colossal douchebags while others were only slightly less so. A clear pattern emerged, according to the study's researchers.
“They were all fobbits,” said Lt. Col. Matthew Hill, the study’s manager. “The handful of officers who had left the wire did so either accidentally or purely against their will. In one instance, an officer got lost and wandered onto an MRAP after salsa night. He was fine but the other folks in the S-6 shop never heard the end of it. They’re the real heroes.”
Established during World War II, the Bronze Star Medal was awarded for merit or heroism while engaged against an enemy of the United States. Today, the non-valor version of the medal is a rite-of-passage award for officers and senior non-commissioned officers who complete a deployment without losing property, sleeping with a subordinate or murdering someone.
The study findings shocked some officers, but many soldiers and non-commissioned officers seemed unfazed.
“I think the license plates are great,” said Spc. Robert Larson. “They let me know which officers are most likely to cross the street for a salute or scream at me for their own failures."
Researchers claim there were other findings, such as the correlation between having the license plates and driving like an asshole, though they say it will take years and "much, much more money" to unpack all of the data.