By Whiskey Fueled Tirade

WASHINGTON — The hellish shrieks of a million non-commissioned officers could be heard across the globe after Army Pvt. Kyle Stumpf broke established tradition and used the Commander-in-Chief’s open-door policy, sources confirmed today. 

“Stumpf said he wanted to speak with the commander after I made him do push-ups for losing his weapon and I said ‘you go right ahead,’” Stumpf’s team leader told reporters as he stood at ease outside the doors of the Oval Office. “I didn’t know he meant THE commander. Next thing I know, I’m here with every NCO in [Stumpf’s] support channel.” 

“The Sgt. Maj. of the Army looks like he had six scoops of pre-workout and then didn’t get to go to the gym.”