MOSCOW — In a press conference on Wednesday, Russian President Vladimir Putin confirmed that Russia, alarmed by Europe's deteriorating security situation amid the ongoing war in Ukraine, has begun discrete inquiries about whether it can formally join NATO.

"It is frightening to realize that even today, 80 years after World War II, no one country can defend itself completely," Putin told reporters. "Europe needs to wake up and join Russia in collective defense so that no country will witness nightmares similar to the ones we see in Ukraine."

Putin then described the horror of watching Russian soldiers surrendering by the thousands, Russian planes and ships destroyed by Ukrainian missiles, and Russian tanks being towed off the battlefield by annoyed and possibly drunk Ukrainian farmers.

Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu, who joined Putin, added that the ongoing war in Ukraine shows that the Russian military desperately needed NATO training, equipment standardization, and especially Meals Ready to Eat.

He added that NATO member states should also help end the conflict by not selling Ukraine such weapons of war as HIMARS missiles, tanks, MIG-29 fighters, and farm tractors.