Russian armored division destroyed by soldier’s 20th leg tuck

Leg tucks increase lethality. It's science.

By Cat Astronaut

FULDA GAP — Army leaders are celebrating today after a soldier with the 173rd Airborne Brigade destroyed an entire Russian armored division by completing his 20th leg tuck during his unit’s Army Combat Fitness Test.

We knew leg tucks increased lethality, but we had no idea just how powerful they were until we put them to the test in combat,” said Gen. Christopher Cavoli, the commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa. “I think the complete destruction wrought by this brave soldier as a division of Russian T-90 main battle tanks roared across the Fulda Gap proves that leg tucks will be our key weapon in a great power conflict.”

Cpl. Taylor Griffin had been practicing leg tucks for the past year in preparation for the ACFT. But he thought he’d be able to destroy “one or two tanks at most” by maxing out his score on the test.

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“I was confident that my core was strong enough to delay a Russian armored invasion of Europe with 18 or 19 leg tucks,” said Cpl. Griffin. “But as I started to raise my knees to my elbows for tuck number twenty, I noticed that the entire enemy division was a smoldering heap of molten steel.”

“And I got 100 points, which is pretty sweet.”

The ACFT had previously come under fire from critics who claimed that leg tucks and hand-release pushups were only effective against dismounted troops and light vehicles. But Cpl. Griffin’s complete destruction of a heavy tank division has proven them wrong. 

Other military services are rushing to capture the Army’s lessons learned from the incident, with the Marine Corps testing the effectiveness of the sprint-drag-and-carry against Chinese area denial weapons in the Pacific.

“There may be some unexplored applications of the ACFT to warfighting in the space and cyber domains as well,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. “We won’t really know until we try to do leg tucks in cyberspace.”

At press time, the second wave of the Russian attack was seen barreling through Germany after Cpl. Griffin failed the standing ball throw portion of the fitness test.

Cat Astronaut enjoys deadlifting in silkies and is the creator of Ye Olde Tyme News.

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