Russian navy invades bottom of Black Sea
The unprovoked attack on the sea floor surprised analysts.
By Cat Astronaut
UNDERWATER — Led by the missile cruiser Moskva, the flagship of its Black Sea Fleet, the Russian navy on Thursday launched a full-scale invasion of the bottom of the Black Sea.
“I call on all nations of the Black Sea Floor to condemn this unprovoked attack on our sovereign benthic zone,” said Aleksandr Kovalfish, a spiny dogfish and spokesman for the Black Sea Aquatic Federation. “The fishes, mammals, mollusks, and other creatures of the briny deep will respond in full force to this flagrant act of aggression.”
The Slava-class ship was commissioned by the Soviet navy in 1983. Since its launch, the Moskva has primarily been involved in surface operations against non-marine life, with the exception of one incident in 1988 when its hull was breached by a narwhal.
Russian leadership reportedly decided to launch the attack after several operational failures on the surface at the hands of land-based Ukrainian humans. Their stated motives are to denazify the seafloor and eliminate anti-Russian sentiment in the undersea region.
“The many fishes of the Black Sea have always been culturally a part of Russia, and we are setting history right by bringing them back into the Russian Federation,” Russian Adm. Nikolai Yevmenov said. “That, and we’re pretty sure they don’t have cruise missiles. They don’t have cruise missiles, right?”
The international community has condemned Russia’s sub-aquatic attack, while at the same time noting that they wouldn’t mind seeing a few more Russian warships submerged.
“The attack is mainly a symbolic one, seeing as no military has ever been able to conquer and hold territory 7,000 feet underwater,” a U.S. intelligence official said. “That said, Russia’s overt violation of maritime law will certainly rally migratory species and marine animals in surrounding bodies of water to the cause.”
At press time, a number of Russian aircraft had exploded mid-flight and plummeted to the earth in what many analysts believed was the start of a Russian air force invasion of the ground.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.