Leaked: Hegseth’s plan to 'de-gay' the military
Duffel Blog obtained the confidential memo.
THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has released a new set of sweeping policies intended to “de-gay” the military, sources confirmed today. In response to pushback about early, unexplained changes since taking over at the Pentagon, Hegseth included his rationale for each policy in a written memo, which was subsequently leaked to Duffel Blog reporters and compiled below:
Seamen — Just gross. And while we’re at it, get rid of Rear Admirals (lower half). No one wants that nasty shit.
Two-seat aircraft — Two men in one COCKpit, alone for hours, their irradiated dicks surely hard and throbbing from all the killing they're doing? I don't think so.
Space Force — Get those pansy asses who don't even take fitness tests out of my military.
Bathroom stalls — It's like we have little gay sex cubicles in every fucking building. Shit in the urinal like a real man.
Ships named after men — All ships will be renamed after my favorite prostitutes. Otherwise, being inside one is mega gay. I have already rechristened the USS Abraham Lincoln as the USS Tila Tequila.
Army Civil Affairs Office — Their color is purple, which is The Big Gay. Get rid of it…but keep the affairs part.
SERE — Men slapping other men? My dick is hard just thi...I mean, no. Gross. Absolutely not.
Water fountains — "Ooh, I'm thirsty, I'm going to deep throat the same stream as hundreds of other men." Shut your pussy mouth. Real men shotgun a beer at their desks or allow themselves to be wracked by dehydration.
Submarines — I will absolutely not tolerate long, hard tubes full of seamen traversing our depths.
Marine Corps Martial Arts Program — Strong, handsome men, glistening with sweat as they strain against each other in mud pits, their chiseled abs taut beneath soaking wet t-shirts, their beautiful eyes sparkling with lust and rage…disgusting. Get rid of it.
The word “they” — the rallying call of the trannies? Nuh-uh. Going forward, all military members will use “Those guys.”
Unit pride — That’s one step away from gay pride, and take it from me, that's a slippery slope.
Army Service Ribbon — I’m not explaining this one to you idiots.
Women — I mean, everyone knows all military women are lesbos, right? If those butch bitches weren't rejecting my boys, they'd never have turned gay in the first place.
Jordan Hemlock is a Duffel Blog diversity hire, sharing the unsought opinions of a second lieutenant.
Task Force Football Bat assisted in reporting
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#10 can confirm. It’s so gay it blows way past gay and comes full circle to somehow straight.
Spit out my coffee funny! Great job.