MERRITT ISLAND, Fla. — Military commanders have barred potential Space Force members from engaging in any liberty activities outside of Earth’s atmosphere, sources confirmed today.
The decision came after several hours of deliberation between key military leaders at the Pentagon. Expert testimony on the issues included representatives from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Air Force Space Command, and Christopher Nolan, director of "Interstellar" who described outer space as “totally nuts, man.”
“There’s just too many variables right now,” said Gen. Timothy Grey, commanding general of the 1st Battalion, 504th Parachute Infantry Regiment. “Are liberty periods measured in the 4th dimension of spacetime? Are space suits issued gear? What happens if an alien entity lays eggs inside your libo buddy? I don’t even know where the settings in DEERS are for that.”
What was once thought to be just an idea in passing, the Space Force comes closer to reality with the February 19th issuance of the Space Policy Directive-4 that organizes the new unit as a sub component of the Air Force. What it fails to clarify however, are significant details concerning financial bureaucracy, the international consequences of militarizing outer space and whether or not there will be sexy coed showers for soldiers before and after defeating an alien species.
“It’s just important to preempt any liberty issues we may have before any incident arises,” Grey continued. “I know what kind of stuff goes on in space. Trust me. I’ve seen Avatar.”
Spc. Kyle Julliard, a satellite communications systems operator-maintainer with the Army Signal Corps, was disappointed to hear the news.
“I was really looking forward to marrying an alien stripper,” he said. “Where am I going to find a stripper now? Earth? The Marines already married them all!”
Not every soldier was as pessimistic about their options. Pfc. Daniel Shaw, an imagery analyst with the 344th Military Intelligence Battalion, was reportedly seen working on a method of turning Mars water into toilet wine.
“They’ll have to lift the libo restrictions eventually,” he said. “And when they do, I’m going to get the first space DUI.”