COLLEGE STATION, Texas – The student body of Texas A&M University was rocked today by news that their Corps of Cadets is guilty of stolen valor and has been for 143 years. Authorities reached a guilty verdict after discovering that despite wearing uniforms in public, displaying military medals, and being big time hardos, less than half of cadets go on to serve in the military.
“The fact that these kids and this institution have let this go on for over a century is unconscionable,” says lead investigator Winston Hughes. “While it does not appear any of the cadets were able to translate their fake military status into getting laid, the vast majority did attempt to get free apps at the local Chili’s every Veterans’ Day.”
Stolen Valor is typically defined as an individual wearing a military uniform and impersonating a member of the armed forces despite never having served. Texas A&M released a statement clarifying that, while the majority of their Cadets don’t commission into the armed forces, some do and all of them take their “dress up and march around stuff” very seriously.
The school also stressed the importance of imagination in developing young minds. “Whether that involves imagining you go to Hogwarts or imagining you attend a military academy, the principle remains the same,” Booster Club President Jimbob Joe Houston notes.
Houston was also quick to point out the school's status as a Senior Military College, a special designation granted to several institutions after the Civil War authorizing their students to wear fancy boots and get high and tight haircuts unironically. However, detractors point out, that authorization is for individuals who are actually going to join the military and does not cover those who are live-action role-playing as soldiers from the Spanish-American War.
The nail in the coffin for A&M’s stolen valor case was the fact that unlike other Senior Military Colleges—such as the Citadel or the Virginia Military Institute—it’s possible to be a student at the school without being a fake ROTC weirdo.
“Over 69,000 students will attend class this year in College Station while only about 2,500 will dress up and ask people to thank them for their service” Hughes notes.
When reached for comment, member of the Corps Josh Taylor was unapologetic.
“How am I stealing valor by just wearing a uniform? Like I owe some kind of service to the country?” Taylor says. “I bought these boots with my parents’ own money, and donated my time to appearing on ESPN football broadcasts all fall. The nation has been compensated.”
“If anything, you could say I’m overcompensating”