Troops suffer thoughts and prayers shortage in wake of mass shootings
So much more effective than policy changes.
By Addison Blu
THE PENTAGON — With so many Thoughts and Prayers being sent to the victims and families of near-weekly mass shootings in the United States, The Troops are now suffering a shortage of their most valuable commodity, sources confirmed today.
“When we ran out of Thoughts and Prayers, we immediately tapped into our strategic reserves of Likes and Shares, mostly from viral Facebook posts showing a soldier kneeling at a cross,” Army Gen. Seamus Flannigan said in a LinkedIn post. “But almost all of those are being diverted to Ukraine right now.”
The Troops, who are only issued their assault weapons after a background check, face-to-face screening, waiting period, and thorough safety training, find themselves pitted against domestic mass murderers who can buy deadlier weapons on credit than any armed service member by simply walking into any local gun store.
“If only there were some reasonable, existing system we could apply to curb the number of extremely lethal weapons falling into the hands of ill-intended civilians,” tweeted Daniel Dewy, House Armed Services Committee Chair and Ranking Member of the Congressional Empty Gestures Committee.
Without Thoughts and Prayers, The Troops expect to run out of Sunshine and Rainbows as soon as this fall.
As a last resort, defense officials are scrounging up what Support the Troopses and Thank You For Your Services they can from your aunt’s Memorial Day posts.
Military leaders are currently uncertain about the potential consequences of the Thoughts and Prayers social media shortage, but worry that it may negatively coincide with a massive influx of posts saying “Nobody Wants to Work These Days.”
“A sense of public importance is the reason most people even join and re-enlist,” Flannigan wrote. “Without that, what are we going to do now? Incentivize men and women to serve with better working conditions, compensation, and veterans’ benefits? Pfft.”
Flannigan immediately began researching the open market exchange rate for free Veteran’s Day meals and heroic working-dog posts.