Toxic Air Force colonel promoted to toxic Air Force general

THE PENTAGON — A toxic Air Force colonel who had previously berated her Wing subordinates to the point they would crawl under their desks and cry has been promoted to a toxic Air Force general at the Pentagon with ambitious plans to berate and humiliate even more people under her at Air Force headquarters.

“I remain gratefully committed to serve, lead, and grow, and remain dedicated to making our people feel like they are in an abusive marriage," Brig. Gen. Jennifer Grant said in a statement to Duffel Blog. "I am humbled to provide constant micromanagement, screaming, and a climate of fear to the finest air and space professionals the world has ever known."

As a colonel, Grant created the "most toxic command climate that investigators had seen in decades" when she oversaw the 50th Space Wing at Schriever Air Force Base in Colo., according to the Air Force Inspector General, a noteworthy and incredible achievement that led top manpower officials to promote her ahead of her peers.

"It got the point where I'd get a pit in my stomach any time I'd get an email from Col. Grant," one major told investigators. "Best year of my life!"

Grant was promoted to brigadier general on July 2. Top officials say so far they are quite pleased with her performance since she has maintained an incredible leadership style that sometimes drives people to suicide.

"Gen. Grant is an effective leader because she is so adept at weeding out the weak," said Gen. Charles Q. Brown, the Air Force chief of staff. "In fact, she drives her people to excel so much that they rarely spend time with their families, and they cry regularly in private moments of despair."